Its a new year….no apocalyptic happenstances to report (sorry Mayans, maybe next time). Happy to have made it this far but with a twist. A lot about my life has and will change in this year alone that could mould or break the very fiber of my sanity. But deep down I know that I have no choice but to get a grip.
It has been emotional to say the least…Little Angel TJ rested after only 5 days on planet earth. I had to be there for his mummy, be strong and calm under the stress,but deep down I was seriously breaking down…pushing down the tears and emotions that could only come bursting out in the privacy of my own home. We will never understand what the grand master plan was on God’s end but pretty sure He will break it down ‘on the other side’…that said, I hope there is an open door policy up there for such situations.
Love and the mess it comes with still does a Mexican wave in and out of my heart. It can get very tiring and the urge to just drop it and throw a middle finger at the whole thing is really strong. It is the worst when you know deep down, its simply a ride that will come to a screeching halt…deep down that not all words uttered are true but somehow you act like you believe because it’s all you have left…deep down that you already lost the battle big time and there is no ‘it will get better’ on the other side of it all. This pain leads one to decide to trust in only yourself and the Supreme Deity you believe in (yes,there are those that praise rocks so…). You need a greater force to look to for some sort of miracle, answer, solution and solace from a cruel world.
Life can be beautiful, harsh, bright and cloudy all at the same time…but deep down we know, it will all work out, it will all come together for a greater good, it will all make sense one day. If I don’t believe in most of what ‘deep down’ tells me, I will be the one seated in a corner sucking my thumb, humming creepy tunes and rocking back and forth.