The Past Without Closure is still Painful!!!

Nothing irks me more than finding out new things about ish that happened in the past….much less about someone who is fighintg for your trust for some reason or other. Why do I say this? Coz there are people who each time when I forgive and patch things up with, BAM!something that shoulda remained buried in the past comes back to haunt me. Worse still, it’s something that this person who nearly swore on his hamster’s life that it never happened.

Now, I do understand the generic ‘Life is too short to be mad’ philosophy but c’mon….I’m pretty sure im not the only one that the past haunts…be it over a boyfriend/girlfriend, over family issues and so on. You always go back to that new revelation and get angry all over again like it was that same day replaying over and over again. And nothing, NOTHING, irritates me more than someone saying crap like ‘it was in the past….just let it go’, when I think that if it was in the past and you want us to move on with life, you shoulda come clean in the first place!

Something that makes it even worse is finding out from friends or those close to you….why?because this person may have disclosed to them what their issue is with you, and I suspect that people do this coz they hope (deep down) that these friends will leak the info to you, thereby saturating his/her dirty work.

The way I see it, use the’rip the band-aid’ approach to life if it is truly ‘too short to hold a grudge’…tell me  the truth to my face…be it a break-up, an epiphany, a realization, whatever. Do not let things fester until they are uncontainable when they do leak out.Let it out…with that said, you feel you have some truths to share with me, dont be a kitty and hide behind friends and lies….just tell it to my face. I may want to claw your good eye out or burn an effigy of you, but at least you were man enough to put it out there. Deuces!!!!

This message was sponsored by Camino and one Mr. Smirnoff…

Life 2011 Essay

Ladies and Germs, there are things I done picked up this year that qualify as, I’m gonna saaaay, lessons and ah-ha! moments. Figured I should share them before they bog me down in Life 2012 class next year.

1. Bars and pubs are officially shopping malls for drunks the world over. The things I have seen people lift from bars are enough to want to Google if they are on a ‘Most Wanted’ list somewhere.Props!
2. Blueberries, Tomatoes and Peas do NOT grow within 4 hours….and no, you can harvest them after 3 days either. Damn that Farmville!
3. Love,sex and marriage are overrated. The image I knew and hoped to live through is what I saw in those Disney animations….or at least ‘Pretty Woman’….nope!Never happens like that and it never will. I have seen marriage proposals go like this: Him:Aje Aje!Si tu-do hivo? Her:Poa,lakini nguo itoke China! Him:Haina Ngori…….as in WTF!The word ‘love’ is now used with the same emotion one uses when they say ‘i love meatballs za Buru’. I won’t dispute it exists, but someone best come with a better package than this or else….
4. The ATM is officially on a ‘my money’ diet. I don’t know if its the paying of bills that has gotten out of hand or what, but eh eh!nowadays checking my balance comes with that suspense music played on ‘Idols’ or ‘Survivor’. At least my late nite ATM runs have reduced drastically but still…..commission of inquiry pap!
5. It is possible to look pregnant and not pregnant at the same time…thanks to one Beyonce. I wont even dwell on that storo…
6. Its now the in-thing to date married men/women. Back then, it would be on the hush and low but siku hizi…I don’t know if its coz I have been listening to one too many Classic morning shows or Busted but wah!
7. It is possible to use Foursquare as a stalking tool. Hey, just because I end up in the same hood or pub as my crush does not mean im peeping at them behind every trash can…anymore!They have announced it all over the WWW and im simply showing up to add on to the crowd.Just sayin’…
8. Kim Kardashian may just as well be the Anti-Christ….how now does that heffer even take a dookie and the internet goes haywire???If she crosses the road, I cant even log on to anything ati coz people are jamming the net reading up on her. I’m not hating but dang!
9. Know your friends…watch the suspect ones like a hawk but still keep them around. At the same time, cherish the real ones that have passed security check with no lotion in their baggage (if you get my drift)
10. I apparently should start using Viagra. I am getting waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too much spam mail offering me boxes of that pill for $1.99. Maybe the internet knows something about me that I don’t…oh well….

I can assure you,this list will get longer…once I sober up!Raise a glass and toast to yourself and everything you come with!

God DOES have a sense of humour!

A friend this past weekend made an innocent comment about how someone she is involved with wishes my brain and hers could be switched. She is a bright one,don’t get me wrong,  its just that she is analytical and calculating while I think like gas…here there everywhere and it will eventually come together down the road. I hear whit folk call that ‘abstract thinking’.

This made me realize something (yes, I shoulda been a tad offended but I wasn’t… )…you will NEVER find the perfect person. She will have the sense of humor that molests your ribs but she looks like a pile of cow dung….or he may be a hottie but when he opens his mouth to speak, stupidity and douchebaggery spews out.

I actually imagined the scenario in Heavenville when God is creating us…he creates us like puzzles, jumbles us up and some point loses some of the pieces….when He is done playing, he returns us in the boxes we come in (skinny, fat, thin, dark, light, dark black….the usual) and sends us down to our mothers’ baby ovens. Sometimes I bet even he is curious to know how some of us will turn out as we grow up….and is madly tickled at what each and every one of us has become. So as a consolation prize, he creates another set of dysfunctional puzzles and sends them down in a package known as ‘soul mate’.

My thinking is that some of us are a mess Royale with Cheese because our soul mates slipped from our reach in a number of ways. Bottom line, you will NEVER have the all-round package when it comes to a wife or hubby. Take what you can, make sure your pieces merge with his/hers and just live like one big happy puzzle…Keep God’s Reality Channel busy for Him to be entertained by our shenanigans and thank Him for whatever puzzle box  you came in.Deuces!

Of Affairs And One Night Stands

Of Affairs And One Night Stands.

Love is pain…say what now???

For years I shut out that little word that apparently means so much to hopeless fools out of my system…love!However when it finally happened it was the wrong person at the wrong time!As luck would drunkenly have it,he has his eye for another lass and then a whoooole lot of some.
Now,I begrudgingly wish him the best for the future and whatnot but I can’t help but wonder…why am I the sloppy seconds chic?why am I the one left with a big bowl of ‘why’ sometimes drenched in tears and tequila?why do people say love is so cutesy when it keeps bringing me pain?I almost believed these lovelorn asses with their love songs,ballads and damn sonnets!no freaking poet at my window chanting ‘how do I love thee?let me count the ways!’,no ‘just because’ gifts for me,no full or back to back 24 hours of happy for me!
This pain has led me to make this decision…to supress my feelings until they deserve to be let out in the world…No false hopes and just let it go…pretend as I have all this time that I’m cool with things as they are…and finally,keep bonding with the one man who wont let me down,Jose Cuervo…I’ll drink to that!!! 

Kenya Crises Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas…

First off, I recently learnt the plural is Crises, not crisisisisisises!Aaaaaanywho, a lot has been happening in this little sovereign state of ours…Guys dying of famine, on the roads, in fires and explosions only seen in movies. Now let me begin by saying RIP to the lost souls and pray they are in a better place.

With that out of the way, I have mad gripe with us as Kenyans (gava, civilians, corporations, etc). Lets start with the famine situation. People lost their lives and had reached the end of their rope before the government chose to step in. Kenyans4Kenya was an awesome initiative (my MPesa transaction history will prove that), but what is this I hear that MPs dipped into the gava famine kitty to offset their tax arrears????If that is how things are meant to work, can all Kenyans have access to that account so we can all settle our tax arrears!!!!!Oh wait, we funded that damn kitty…WITH OUR DULY PAID TAXES!!!!!!NKT!

Then comes the fire at Sinai. Apparently  guyz were once given 9k to resettle elsewhere. Im no baller but I’m pretty sure 9k wont even cover bus fare for an entire famo of 6 or so to fikisha them shaggz and then successfully resettle them. 2nd of all, KPC coulda gone hardcore and fenced off that area if it was being seen as a hazard, I dont get why they have to bembeleza people. Give them tough love and tell them they will f*ing die if they keep living there. Now this has happened. People are camping out in places like Tom Mboya Hall and what do I hear? That there is opportunistic pricks sneaking in and pretending to have been affected and demanding for food and blankets. C’mon now!Isn’t that calling some kind of curse on yourself? Mwenzako is suffering and you want to take advantage? Mungu akuonekanie!

Where was my ranting going?Oh yeah…Our government and corporations need to take on the proactive approach to averting these crises (there it is again! ). Dont beg people living in danger zones to leave; kick them out and offer a reasonable resettlement budget, si 9k!!!!!Na nyinyi Gava, dont wait until Nguatah Francis and his boys predict dry days ahead…teach those living in semi-arid areas storos of all-season round farming and irrigation. This will minimize the danger of innocent civilians succumbing to hunger. Kenyans, life is precious and you only have one…no re-runs, no repeats (unless you believe in re-incarnation to which I say…party on). If you know kuchota mafuta and living metres from an oil depot is life-threatening, don’t do it!And if you won’t think of yourselves, think of the family, the kids you live behind surely!!!

I’m done!

Move Over Gaga…I Got My Own Little Monsters!

Y’know, I love that woman’s eccentric ways, but if her monsters are a pregnant bank account, the large life and fans all over the place, then she is free to trade with me for real little monsters…and no, I dont consider my little sister ‘little monster’ (although this is open for discussion). I’m talking about the things in life we all battle with that we can’t always share in the world like Love, Pain, Jealousy, Anger, etc. and to me, even a slice of chocolate cake is a monster (I mean, look what it does to my ass each day)

My first monster is giving up or backing out. I can’t blame this one on my folks, those two can fight their way through a vacuum and still come out tops…I mean i have this nasty little habit of letting others get in line before me, letting them have first picks and all that not-too-cool ish. There are things I wish i could fight for if given a second chance, but sometimes second chances only apply to video games.

I can be hell-a jealous, but sometimes I will be jealous on a lost cause. I mean, there are situations in life where you know that there’s nothing you can do about it but just let that feeling stew inside. Why? you can’t share it with friends, siblings (maybe a shrink and you already pay them to pretend to be interested in your sordid life) because these people will kinda laugh it off and let you know that it is not your place to be getting jealous, possessive or whatever other adjective that pairs with these ones.

My other little monster is known as ‘bottling it in’. What do I mean? I mean if something or someone is bothering me, I will either keep it to myself or tell the concerned party like miaka nenda rudi down the line and I usually start those storos with ‘LOL,funny story…’.  I choose to do it that way coz I hate confrontation, but dammit confrontation once commenced feels really good (I actually bagan to understand that ‘Bust Your Windows’ song). Unfortunately, when the little bottle cap can’t hold it any more, it does get ugly and the sad thing is my bottle never explodes at the right time…really????I would want to yell and cuss someone out at that moment but instead, I flip out in the shower all because the water has become cold or we’ve run out of soap (who the heck will I yell at to feel gansta?the water drops maybe?)…I know I’m sounding like a piece of work at this juncture but not to worry, I have not reached ‘self-destruction’ phase just yet.

My final little monster, I like to call her Giggles. No really, my giggling and laughter will be my ultimate downfall. I deal with bad, uncomfy, or crappy situations by laughing. I have laughed in someone’s face (wink wink) at the most inopportune times for real. I will laugh in an arguement…I will laugh when the PC goes off right before I hit ‘save’…I will laugh when some stupid uncultured male or female *read bitch on both counts* says condescending, mean or otherwise ‘tarded things to me. The problem, most of the time, is not the laughter itself…Its the reaction I get from the other party coz they dont know If im laughing with or at them. Most of the time, a probable 80-something percent, people get pissed the heck off but they don’t know what so say next…I believe that is what constitutes as Waajiku winning an argument, or don’t y’all agree?

Now, Lady Gaga, you might want to find a new name for your ‘little monsters’…!

Internal Rant Convention Findings

Ok, the internal rant convention happened in one hell of a dome….mine!I just have things that are running all over the place up there. It doesn’t come out in continous prose (in fact i would have a doc check me out if it did). I’m just an old gal with points to ponder and whatnot…

To begin with, do men attend some kind of Ivy League institution just to lie to us? I mean, do they do it to make us happy? do they do it coz its what we wanna hear?or are they just allergic to the truth. Yes, my ass does look fat in these and yes, she is not as pretty as I am (we know!) but si there has to be a point where y’all need to just, I don’t know, STOP? Don’t get me wrong, we of the female species do know how to lie (case and point, we were given the ultimate gift of faking the elusive orgasm….tee hee) but surely you guys go overboard. But you know what keeps the gals hanging out in your yards? You must be doing something hell-a right behind those bedroom walls…just sayin’…

Another lesson the Knights of Waajiku’s not-so-round-or-mentally-sound Table think about alot is women who think they are more superior than others. I did make a somewhat playful comment not too long ago to a  colleague that there’s 2 breeds of chic….there’s the prim and proper, always in some’-inch heels and always get drinks bought for them by strangers at bars….and then there’s the rest of us who have to actually use our brains in addition to our sneakers to get a guy to remotely notice our general presence, who take little or no time to look in the mirror other than the occasional ‘do I have something in my teeth?’ guard of inspection. I have taken my place in this here circle of bitch and embraced it but do ‘the others’ (its what i call them, he he) have to keep rubbing it in our faces?I don’t think so. Do I plan on going in for that upgrade?mmm,nah.I’m good right here…

What else did ‘we’ talk about?Oh yeah..-is it soooo bad if the movies did come to life? The movie I wish could come true for me would be…hmm….I’m lost between Hangover and Eat Pray Love. For now, lemme take the scenic big screen route of Eat Pray Love. Now don;t get me wrong, I am NOT a fan of chic flicks, but this movie teaches us to take risks. Ok, the risks in this movie were expensive (plus I haven’t accumulated that many frequent flyer miles to pull off this round the world trip). I want to be able to take the bulls by the horns…I want to be unafraid of falling in love…I want to be able to walk around in a shuka(although this one is open to discussion if I end up in the North Pole)…I certainly want to learn how to do the Dougie…y’know, cool stuff. I guess I just need to stop being so uptight and this is where Hangover suddenly springs to life…sip sip everyone!

Finally, Kenya impresses the hell out of all of us up here. To begin with, our uptight gava is giving potential CJ Mutunga a tough time and all because he wears a stud!Not heels, not assless chaps…A STUD! I say, as long as he doesn’t put juju on us with that stud, I say, ‘play on playa’. I also think that the homophobia that our gava suffers from is kinda ticklish…If Mutunga made a ruling while being given head by Bruno, I say why not????As long as he doesn’t accidentally sell our country to Gadaffi, I’m cool with all of that. Oh, and Uhuru, stop fucking with the national wallet…I dont care what the ATM slip said, you just had better not punk us the Kenyans with their mulla!!!I’m out!

I’m a female….right???

Played with the boys, liked to play rough and I didnt give a rat’s ass about a busted lip or that inexplicable rip in my clothes. That was my life for the longest time. I would say that it changed when I went to high school but naaah!The games just got way rougher and the enemy was one: the girl. It was a firm belief that any boy you came within personal distance of must have shoved his tongue down your throat or his hand down your skirt. And boy did that get this tomboy into some amount of trouble….it suddenly seemed illegal to have former male classmates or neighbours as pals.

Circa 20something or other and things take a turn for the monkey worse. Not only are you accused of catching a case of the feelings for your dude pals but also the fact that you are the ultimate pussyblocker (yeah,those exist too). You are accused of being the 3rd wheel despite the fact that the dude in question has promised to pay off my first mortgage just to tag along and keep an eye on things.

My first interaction with any new dude I meet is a cocktail of jokes, disses and talk of my favorite drink: Cuervo. Yeah, I end up in the friend zone but dammit its the only way I know how to talk to these Neanderthals ( I say that with love fellaz). I will not flirt, whip my hair, swing my hips, drop it low or otherwise twirl my bubble gum around my finger to get their attention. You dont wanna talk to me like a regular human, keep your step count going brother!

But noooo, it doesnt end there. I am a fan of the color black. This means I like my clothes, my attitude, my coffee and my men the same way. And I appreciate your efforts ladies, but stop attempting to add color to my life. I dont need my eyes to light up or my good boob to be accentuated by that top you saw that suits me. I am not a fan of shopping and I can keep my favorite jersey or jeans until they start hanging on to fellow threads for dear life. Yeah, I do like to show off my extra large cleavage once in a blue moon, and dresses arent all that bad. But just coz I tend to shun it doesnt mean im not feminine.

The only downside to acting like a dude is that I kinda started thinking like them. This means I have no problem initiating a 30+ minute convo about a girl’s ass and I will keep mentioning to a chic how pretty she is, but the problem is that I dont notice when I fuck up when it comes to my female friends. What do i mean? We females were cursed with the ‘sensitive’ card in our pack. I will say or do something and someone will step to me and tell me that i hurt she-so and so’s feelings….but I won’t see the big deal or the fuss.

But one thing is for sure, I act and think like a dude but man, you fellaz sure have kept some secrets to yourselves,starting with how a girl can tell if you like them(and no, asking is not an option for us). *Insert Jesse J’s ‘Do it like a dude’ here as I bow out*…..

Maternal Instincts…..I think mine’s broken!

Soooooo apparently we of the femme species were born to do a couple of things in standard mode; reproduce, mother, bother, whine, bitch, then die! Now somewhere along the way, I must have fallen off way too many trees and ran into too many walls that I think my urge to reproduce and want to mother as I get older kinda fell out of my life pocket. You know come to think of it, the signs were evident from those days of me being of single digit age.

True Story: I did place my sister on the floor the day she was brought home from the hospital. Why? She was in my f*ing cot and I wasn’t planning on moving to the room next door yet. Its not my fault that in her quest to be cute, she goo-goo ga-ga’d herself mpaka under the cot. All this time, i had gotten into the cot and fallen asleep. Hey, kindergarten was tiring, all 6 hours of it. And I was whooped six ways till 2012 but I didnt care!

As I grew up, kids who are meant to tug at my heartstrings and get me to produce that creepy ‘awwww’ sound got to me. I mean I may have been the only person in the world who was capable of seeing an ugly baby (coz apparently all babies are cute). That hate moved on to a new feeling; fear.

I felt around kids like I did around dogs – like they can smell fear. That is when they want you to lift them, they pick that moment to take a crap or blow chunks on your sweater and just want to play or follow you around. So clarification, hated kids when I was still a kid myself, but now I’m deathly afraid of them. Scientific studies have shown that any spawn of Waajiku will need to be kept in a lab for close supervision to see if he/she will self-combust, grow wings or worse, become just like me!

I will not lie that I enjoy my party time, my hangout time and my alone time. It is said that regardless of your feelings towards kids, you instantly gain that motherly instinct once you are a mother and the urge to party or be a bad girl kind of goes away. However, i do know of a couple who have hired nannies, will party all days of the week and have no problem being away from their kids (I’m not saying they are bad people, its just that they broke the mould of what I thought changes when one becomes a mummy).

I wonder which one of the above I will be…..the wild one who settles down as soon as the labor pains cease or the one who will probably be at the club when my water breaks and then back at the same club once I drop off my child at home. There are a couple of kids I have met who are a dream to be around, mpaka we are pals, but those a a thorough exception….All the same, someone share with me those pills or hypnosis methods used to garner a heart to love and constantly want to cuddle other peoples babies so I can do the same for my own spawn. Muchas gracias!